PRAISE GOD... I DIDN'T GET INTO THE CAR

Last night was a night of battle, a night of dreams that showed me more about myself and the enemy of my soul. And Praise God, I didn't get into the car... I chose better. Oh I wanted to, God Forgive Me, I wanted to give in, the desire was so real it was tangible, and invaded me in my waking life. But I chose Him, and I chose to protect my own heart, the place where He dwells, Praise God Almighty, I protected Him. I am in tears as I write this because I believe differently this morning. God woke me up, I KNOW that I am in a battle, a war, with an enemy that I cannot see, but thanks be to God that I can see his hand, I can see where he wants to drowned me in his lies and his abominable corruption of my heart. I have much to learn yet, but I feel as though I have been put on notice. God has a plan for me and my story is about to be written in full force and glory. God's glory will shine through me and as the author and finisher of my Faith, it will be Him alone who delivers me from the hand of my enemy.

Allow me to back track a little...

Momma and I are reading a book I came across in the library called "Waking the Dead: The Glory of a Heart Fully Alive" by John Eldredge. This book is amazing. I mean really. Talk about a back hand to the face. Every single day that we breathe, there is an enemy who is mercilessly hunting us with one thought... I WILL DESTROY YOU. Every one of his minions are set against us and utilizing every thing that they can to get us into a place where we will submit to him. Be it by suggestion, 'self-thought' manipulation or blatant lies. Suggestions play to our desires, hopes and dreams. Self-thought manipulation is something I never understood before, but now that my eyes have been opened to it I am constantly aware of how often the enemy shapes our thought life. This is so deadly. Nearly every thought that we have that we do not take account of is left for this little playground of our adversary. Many people have been taken out of the war with this one tactic: The Middle Pillar. The middle pillar, much like the Trojan Horse, is an enemy operative on the inside.What negative thoughts have you been dwelling on? What negative thoughts have you accepted about yourself? Your family? Your God? What admissions have you made about yourself? Is your language detrimental to your spiritual well being? I don't know that I can say that I have taken a tally of my thoughts, and 'thinking about what I was thinking about' seemed like a foreign concept to me. I mean, who does that? Who sits around thinking about what they are thinking about? Sounds like some sort of psycho-babble or highfalutin' run around. Usually when I'm doing something, I'm thinking about what I'm doing. Seems natural, right? But what about the times that you aren't doing something?

Let me give you an example. I am a man of portly stature... that is to say that I am a card carrying member of the FAT-GUY club. Now that is a fact. I'm 5'10" and 250lbs, verifiable by any bathroom scale. I go to put on a shirt or a pair of pants. I can barely get the shirt buttoned or the pants to make the arduous journey over my rear end. (Standard fare for anyone who is abundant in size...). Here's the key though. "Ugh. I need to lose weight." Normal thought, statement of fact, acknowledgement of my current situation. But wait... there's more... there's always more. "You're such a fat-ass." "You might as well throw away all your clothes, they'll never fit." "Omar the tent maker called..." and on and on. What thoughts are present when I look in the mirror? "You need a bra. This outfit makes you look fat." That is NOT fact. Men don't wear bras, and it's not the outfit that makes me look fat... it's the excessive weight that I have. But what have I accepted about myself? That my mortal enemy is a mirror? A bathroom scale? Nay. I've accepted that I will always be fat and that I need to buy bigger clothes, and that no matter what I wear, I won't like the way it looks.

Now I know what you are saying..."Yeah, but that's just normal 'low-self-esteem' issues." and "Well, that doesn't sound like a vindictive adversary who is trying to destroy you." Low self esteem is the creation of the adversary and a major weapon that he utilizes. And if he can train you to think that way all the time, what will it lead to? I can tell you. It leads to not going out in public, and most certainly not unleashing my man-boobs on an unsuspecting public at a local beach or pool. Now he's successfully circumvented my lifestyle. What's next? Depression? Binge eating? Suicide? Well, I can tell you for a certainty, not in this man's life. I'm taking it all back. I am who God says I am, and I am what God says I am. As for the rest of it...if my weight bothers me, I will do something about it. But I will live this life as God intended me to...to HIS GLORY.